Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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