her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
