i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
