I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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