Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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