New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish you could order shots online.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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