The maid of honor just puked.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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