If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
