I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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