2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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