I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
