Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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