We're facebook friends in real life
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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