I can text with my tongue
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
