stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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