I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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