I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
