I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
