Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
