You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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