So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
