Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
