You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize