My hand turned me down
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
