i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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