I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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