Whod you bang
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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