For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
