Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i drank out of a bidet.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
