Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
