Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My bed is full of blood and feathers
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
