i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Randomize
