Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
