Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
