I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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