If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
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