and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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