my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
