she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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