I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
