You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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