I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
