I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
