tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
