and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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