Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
