If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm at about main and main street
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
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