I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
