our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
