we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
