May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
