It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
there's paper in my vomit.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
