sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
