Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
