you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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