Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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