I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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