Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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