I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
