i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The best revenge is premature balding
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize