I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
