I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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