i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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