Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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