i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
