was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
