I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
