Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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