Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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