you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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