You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
