that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
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