I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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